Embracing the Mess

Home. 

There is nothing better than coming home. 

But sometimes, coming home is a reminder of all of the things I have to do. Everything I neglected while away. The stress of the return dampers the joy.  

However, today is different. Today, there is only joy. The to-do list is still there but I do not care. For the first time, I am embracing the mess. Why? Because success in life has nothing to do with the size of my laundry pile, the dust on the shelf or the nearly empty refrigerator. 

I have been traveling for the better part of the last 10 days. And I will tell you, those last 10 days have been remarkable. I spent a weekend with approximately 200 women physicians discussing wellness, burnout, leadership, resiliency, career navigation and more. I spoke on Imposter syndrome. It was not easy, but it was amazing. It was the kind of weekend that unexpectedly transforms you into a better version of yourself. The kind of weekend with a ripple effect. Those ripples have chased me around the country for the rest of the week. 

I left this conference and went to a much smaller meeting in Chicago. A meeting in which I knew my work would be critiqued in front of me by strangers. In the past, this would scare me. I would feel that critiques highlighted my incompetence, areas in which I was just not good enough.  This time, I forced a perspective change. I was INVITED to the meeting because I have expertise. I would be critiqued by colleagues with DIFFERENT areas of expertise. I would critique them. But most of all, I committed to learn. To enjoy the process, knowing when I left, I would be smarter. I would hone my skills. Guess what? It WORKED. Yes, it got uncomfortable. Yes, it was hard. And YES, I LEARNED. I did not walk away feeling like an imposter. Success. 

Ripples.  

That leg of my trip ended with a short time at home before I left again. I returned home and felt that dampered joy infiltrate my return. I came home to the to-do list. To a note from school because my son was having a bad week. I had too much to do at work to even pretend to catch up. 

And then, a few days later, despite it all, I boarded another plane to Arizona. I cried at the airport. I did not want to go. I could not go. Too much was happening, I was drowning in life. I was NOT succeeding. Yet, my husband threw everyone in our car, grabbed my suitcase and dropped me off at the airport and told me to go. I've never been more thankful. 

Ripples.  

I landed, I dropped of my suitcase and headed out to a work dinner. A dinner that has forever changed my definition of success. 

I was the only woman at the table and quite sure I was the youngest. During that dinner conversation, I found myself answering many questions about my career, my professional activities from publishing and teaching to patient care and administrative duties both locally and nationally. Then the moment of truth - what do you do for fun? 

I know, it doesn't seem like a moment of truth. A point of epiphany. But, it was. 

I commented on spending time with my family - traveling, being outdoors, reading, friends. The conversation caught on family.  

Wait, you have kids? Yes, two young children. Does your husband work? Yes, full time, no not from home. He's also pursuing his masters degree. Hopefully, he will be teaching at the University this Spring also. No, we do not have a nanny. 

How do you do it then?  

That was the moment. How do we do it? What are we doing? I had to answer. I needed to know myself.

I have to let go of what is just not as important. Like ensuring there is never a mountain of laundry. My house is messy most of the time. It's not that I don't care, but a perfectly cleaned house is just not that important. It is not part of being happy, healthy and successful for me. 

Our schedule is chaotic. It's messy. It's hard. But, we eat dinner together almost every night. We prioritize that time. I have beautiful, kind and well-loved children. We both share hobbies we love with our children. We have an amazing, supportive circle of friends and family. My husband and I have careers that we love. We travel, we adventure, we take risks. We fail. We struggle. We evolve. We love fiercely. 

Home.  

Ripples.

What success really means. 

I am joyfully returning home. To a happy, healthy family that will shower me with hugs and love.  To heck with the laundry. Embracing the mess means letting go of unrealistic expectations. That is freedom. That is success. 

The Enlightenment of Listening

Recently, I had the opportunity to sit in a group of women who were all talking about being a professional woman in the setting of gender biases and gender schemas. Actually I think it's the first time I've ever been in a group of women this size having those conversations. For the most part I kept silent and listened.

 As I sat listening to the struggles all of these women faced, and I realized that my path has been different, and yet, in many ways the same. I didn't have female career mentors or sponsors. The strong, inspiring women around me were family and friends; I did not have female mentors or clear professional role models for my career path as an academic physician. I have experienced blatant sexism, been harassed and belittled.

One perfect example of this was on the first day of a college chemistry course. I walked in that morning and found a spot at a bench. I eventually realized the class was almost all men. I had blonde, long hair - this shouldn't matter, but it felt like the beacon to what happened next. The professor approached me and asked me if I knew what class this was. I assured him I did and it was not a mistake. He then proceeded to immediately offer me tutoring services because this class was "really hard." I remember my shock at this, I think I actually laughed at him as I politely declined. I KNEW I didn't fit his preconceived stereotype. And I didn't. I finished that class as his #1 student. 

But, as I listened to the stories of other women, in this group and in more recent conversations, I have realized that I have been blessed in ways I had not recognized before.

I was raised to be strong, to chase my dreams without question and not to settle. 

I have had strong men beside me throughout my education, my medical training and my personal life who embodied #heforshe before it was a tagline.  

I have had phenomenal friends who have supported me. They celebrate the highs, curse at the lows and pick me up off the floor when I cannot do it myself. 

Yes, I do think as a culture and society we have a long road before we see gender schemas and biases adjust toward equality. Yes, we have a long road before we see the same equality across all religions and races. Yes, I do think we need to keep talking about all of these and taking action. 

However, this post isn't about that. This post is about listening. 

That is the beauty of reading a blog, right? Its practically forced listening. If you have made it this far, you have heard my words. Let the words settle with you. Reflect on YOUR story - the good, the bad and the culmination of these experiences that have led you here.

It is too easy to talk and not really hear what you or anyone else has to say. To avoid the learning, the introspection, the opportunity afforded to evolve. 

I walked away far more enlightened about my life, how gender schemas and biases have impacted me, how I strived to overcome those without realizing it at the time and how the men in my social circles have had greater positive impacts than I had ever imagined. I am better for it and will have more impact as a professional woman going forward both personally and as I share my story with other women. 

All of this, from one decision to try to not talk but just LISTEN. 

Who will you listen to today?

Are you sharpening the right saw?

I was reading about personal growth and development(again) and thinking about what it really means to pursue those. Thinking about where our strengths are, where our weaknesses are, and where we really want to grow either personally or professionally. As I was thinking about this, I was also contemplating the idea of how we choose the areas where we grow. Now we can make a lot of arguments regarding whether or not you should focus on your strengths, whether you should focus on your weaknesses, or whether you should focus on both. I'm not going debate strengths versus weaknesses today, I'll save that for another post. However, I think it's worth talking about the idea of sharpening yourself,  about keeping your skills and your knowledge up-to-date, because if you want to be an innovator and change your industry or your life or another issue you're interested in, then to do all those things you need to be current. When I think about this, I also think a lot about how we choose what we read and listen to - do they provide value beyond entertainment? 

My question for you is - which blade are you sharpening? Are you trying to sharpen the already very sharp blades? Or are you doing what's hard and sharpening the dull blade that really needs to be sharpened? I know I have fallen into this trap over and over again I spend my time reading and working on my strengths. The things that I am passionate and excited about. Yet, there are areas where I have weakness, and I know that, yet I tend to put them off and procrastinate on a reading about those or working on those areas because I know it's going to be harder. It's going to be more painful and I have to really work to sharpen that blade. So how can you and I focus on the many blades of our life. Again this comes back to that never-ending balancing act that is life. You can't spend your time only on one side of the balance. We need to sharpen one knife and then let it be used sharp and rotate through our collection of blades so that all of them are sharp enough that we can do the job beautifully without having one sharp blade amidst a set of dull. Diversification and excellence. Perseverance not procrastination.

So, what blade will you sharpen today?

Transforming Culture Means Transforming Yourself First

Around every hospital corner, you will find someone taking about burnout, engagement and decreased productivity. And you will find someone talking about how culture needs to change and the lack of effort from leaders to bring about that change. Oh, and you'll find someone else so burnt out they are tired of hearing about it...

The reality is, there's an enormous amount of literature on the high rates of burnout, of poor engagement and physician suicide.  

Does culture need need to change? Absolutely. Does that mean we pass the buck to leadership while we continue to complain? Absolutely not.  

Organizational culture change is a grassroots effort and starts with the individual. We need to change ourselves first, focus on how we can improve what we DO each day and thoughtfully implement change. Changing what we do can positively change our thinking and behaviors. When others see those changes, it snowballs and the culture starts to shift. I love this diagram highlighting that we cannot decide how to change culture and force people to adapt. We change first. Culture follows. 

I know, I know. I sound like another person blaming the individual. But, I'm not. Hear me out. 

I have been incredibly burnt out. As in "I want to quit my job and go work at GAP" burnt out. I struggled with this. I commiserated with colleagues near and far on how things need to change. And I waited. I waited for that change, but it never arrived in that pretty wrapped box I expected. It came after months of reading, investing in leadership and personal development. It came with more work, yet somehow, less burnout. How? Because I was empowered.  Because I saw positive results and it fueled me to do more. To be an ambassador of change, if you will. 

See, in all my time reading while waiting for change to find me, I became a catalyst for change. A voice challenging the status quo, asking "why can't we do it differently"? I inadvertently developed the skills needed to sit at the table and advocate for change. 

I urge you - do not wait for someone to change the culture. You'll be left waiting and increasingly dissatisfied. Start with yourself. How can you improve how you do your job? Manage your time? Live your life? Start there. Find small successes and let it snowball. It will pay-off.  

Here are a few references: 

https://barryoreilly.com/2017/01/18/leading-culture-change-means-changing-yourself-before-others/

https://hbr.org/2012/12/to-change-the-culture-stop-try

Independence Day - Honoring a Culture Based on a Revolution

Happy 4th of July!  

Happy Independence Day!  

I have waited to publish a follow-up on my last post about physician suicide and the culture of medicine for two reasons. One is the enormity of the issue. Lives needlessly lost. A profession driven to death for some, burnout and disengagement for so many others. It deserves to stand alone for a while. 

The second reason is that I have spent a lot of time thinking about culture, this holiday and what it means.  

Work hard, hustle, become what you want.  Follow the American Dream.  

That American Dream is the reason I delayed this post until today. Many of us "celebrate" by relaxing, wearing red, white and blue and watching parades and fireworks. How often do we think back on what it means? The culmination of a brutal revolution. The blood and sweat of those who believed in something better. 

Do you believe in something better? Something greater? 

I do. I believe that medicine can be better. For one and all; patients and providers. 

But, I am also not naive enough to believe I can change much alone. However, I can try. I can use what I love - leadership, development and education to help inspire and arm the dreamers like me. Because it is the dedicated dreamers, those who strive for more everyday, that can change the world. Who can, and will, lead a revolution.

"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it's the only thing that ever has."

- Margaret Mead 

So, today, I celebrate a revolution. Flags and fireworks that inspire me and remind me of what is possible.